So...

You can't understand my tears

though you're the creator of my fears...

So perfect

and so cruel

Shall I deny passion?

Or accept myself as a fool...

In so many words

You've told me no

I don't accept this

So?

You push me away

I deserve someone better

better yet, the best...

I'm waking up for tomorrow

as you continue to rest

that child is your biggest fan

and you can't see

you're so far from being a man

Yet I can't let you go

not just yet...

So?

I run through your pictures

scream your name in street

and you may not think of me for weeks

when the box of tissues run low

and your love sucks my ocean dry

I'm fighting for what you wont try...

It's explosive

The youth in you may never let me grow

though they beg me to let go

So?

Holes

There's a trap door in your bedroom.

I'm going to find it.

There's window in your living room.

I'm hoping to climb out of it.

There's a porch on the first floor of your two story home.

I'm going to jump it.

When you open your eyes at the crack of dawn...

don't bother looking

I'll be gone.

I think about you on my walk alone

I think about you on my drive home

When will I see you again?

Could it be months, years?

But I can't think that way

You're not here to stay

But we both know, I can't hold my breath for long

Only takes my leftover footprints for you to catch on

How far can a quarter tank of gas take me?

Why continue to try?

My legs are tired, throat is dry

Guess I figure if I run away far enough

You wont be able to catch up.

Dummy

I'm ill.

I'm foolish.

I run into walls, hit corners and drop off planks.

I keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome.

I am insane.

You're a drug. The entire world tells me to stay away. I should listen to them, shouldn't I?

You're all wrong for me. You go backward as I move forward.

You want to crush my love. I want to dish out more.

Good morning, can't you smell the coffee and feel the heartbreak?

I lose myself in you.

I'm a worm on your hook. Don't cast me away.

I promised them I'd stay away. I promised myself.

Tunnel vision rules my world.

I'm a sad girl. How much more can I take?

You call. I answer.

You ask. I say yes.

We're not even a we.

How much of a dummy can I be?

Take the hint.

Get a clue.

As the years pass by...

I'm still stuck like glue.

And you'll never really know.

No matter how many times I've told you so...

That I hold all my love for you.

To the bare bottom of my soul

I'm sorry to all the joe schmoes 

I can't explain how deep this goes

I'm a silly girl

I may never learn

I may never win

I'll slump outside your door

Waiting for your return

Crying on your floor

Let me drive up your street

They may take me away...

And that's perfectly ok

For a moment, my life was complete

Look what you've done to me

Insanity has become my normalcy.

Here it is

Eyes are teary

My nose is runny

Suits me well

I'm just a dummy.

Let it happen

If ever a place bad luck could be
let it find me
I'll miss the train and fall to my knees
but it's quite alright
my efforts are caught in a freeze
If ever a time I meet destiny
it shall be taken away
I'll have fewer words
For my thoughts will know what to say
Keep taking my gold
rob me blind
make it simple, let me unfold
They chipped my heart
this dust pan is full
let heartbreak end, only to start
If the waves become stronger in my lonely sea
I'll escape drowning from the hope within me
Thousands of black clouds continue
at the mere age of twenty three
I'll swallow the madness
Let it happen to me
In the great and far distance
Your love awaits
Behind black sheep and clouds of torture
Time will set us free
I'm ready for the next bow and arrow
Eventually I'll use up the rain
Sunshine is no enemy
If ever a place bad luck could be
We'll be together someday
So,
let it happen to me...

I'll help you with your suitcase

Maybe some people can't move on. Perhaps some of us can't let go. Far away in the distance is where I've been standing. I'm waving to you. This time, not for your bed ridden love - only to say goodbye. Are we doing this again? One final cry. You dominate my dreams, swarm daily thoughts...I need to ash this final cigarette. God do I love you. Why? I'm not sure, but, I'm losing. My hands were on the wheel - the dust I left behind said goodbye. I waited for your phone call. I love being in love alone. You always come back, don't you? Yes. Once again, I forgive - you make promises that you want to be a part of my life. Foolish me. I hate when you go. I've mastered the art of driving away, ignoring your calls and blocking you from all important social networks. If the milk is spoiled, you dump it down the sink, if the music is booming, turn it off so you can think. Those tasks are simple. Once you fall off the cliff, there's no climbing back up. I must have hit a branch along the way. I see you when I shut my eyes. The thing is, I can't run away from my memory. Sometimes I want to dial your number just to hear your breath on the other line. I find sanity in my friends, co-workers hold me together, I run through sunny weather, my mother makes me better - I'm always clear when things become hazy but, you sprinkled pixie dust in my coffee. I'm becoming crazy. I've already screamed my heart out to you, sent kisses, long embraces, on my knees...face in my hands, on my feet, in the middle of the street, cried to your friends - and poured it all out again when you wanted to make amends. You say what I long to hear. You always get what you want dear. I wish I could do the same. I could live in Paris and you'd still be near. Before me and after me, none of them will ever love you the way that I do. It's not like I asked for this, if I could erase you forever; if a pill could wash you away - I'd do it. I will find a loving man someday. I just hope he doesn't have your face when my father gives me away...

Hear me out

It has to happen. It has to. How can I finish this beautiful story if it doesn't? Promise that you'll give me a good story.

I'm tired of school work...I just want to sit on my couch every night with a glass of wine writing free spirited poems. Why does the world have to be so technical?

Fall

Fall in love...
alone
fall in love...
on your own
fall in love...
on a Monday
fall in love...
driving down a one way
fall in love...
in the dark
fall in love...
lost in the park
fall in love...
in your mind

fall in love...
one step behind
fall in love...
not just on a Monday
fall in love...
Tuesday
fall in love...
Wednesday
fall in love...
oh hell, every day
fall in love...
on your last breath
fall in love...
when there's nothing left
fall in love...
with yourself
but...I...have...to
fall in love...
to fall out of it

Trouble

This is nothing but trouble
It duplicates
It's double trouble
The kind of trouble I get myself into
Trouble so deep, I can't explain me and I can't explain you
Friends shake their heads
I let you rip my heart to shreds
Intoxicated
Sober and elated
This trouble is overrated
Relinquish your control
Let me rule my own soul
It's a no go
Trouble is all I know
Sometimes I rebel...
against a battle
with your spell...
Lost in hide and seek
Trouble finds me weak
Walk, sprint, run
I must retreat
Trouble, I despise
Trouble, I love
Trouble...
so bittersweet
To feel this way
Sad to say...
I haven't had enough just yet


You're the best trouble I've ever met.

If Cher believes, I believe

Take my words, take my wishes...I beg of you, the great divine power above me. I have no resistance. I'm losing existence. If I was a singer, I wouldn't make it through the first verse. Listening to A Fine Frenzy only makes this worse. If you were me, what would you do? You're not me, and you don't want to be. Should've of known my love would be returned to me. For the thirteenth time. You'd think I'd get it by now. So, watch me go...my car wrapped around me, tears that leave scars...what I never tell, you'll never know. Never got what I wanted, never broke through...I'm starting to think, no, I'm starting to believe, maybe I'm too good for you.

So, all I have to say about that: If you can't break through, walk around to the other side. Life goes full circle.

At the edge of the ocean...

Sade softly serenades me in the background as I lay here, on my stomach, nibbling on a Kent State pen. Thoughts of paying bills, meeting deadlines and working swirl through my mind like a fast current, pulling me closer towards the undertow. Worries so deep that not even Dido, Sade or Jill Scott would be able to cure. Watching "Friends" Season 8 where Rachel discovers that she is carrying Ross's baby has an incredible skill of distracting me for a half hour, sometimes longer. Once my hand meets the remote and I power down, my responsibilities still remain, hovering over my shoulders like a 10 year old in love with piggy back rides. I'm so worried about by story for the second issue. Personally, I don't think it has enough momentum but I am going to do whatever it takes to make this story work. I have a lab report due at 11am and don't have the actual lab because I ripped the pages out last semester then dropped the lab like an idiot. I have to work tomorrow at 4pm, at the same place I've been for almost 2 years now. As a server, the money...at times, shoots at you like it's coming full speed out of a canon, but it's not always guaranteed. I'm ready for the next phase of my life, such as, having a career. Servers work extremely long, demanding hours, compromising holidays and birthdays. If you have never served or bar-tended before, I suggest you try it. Definitely one of the toughest, under-appreciated jobs out there. Why haven't I quit? Why haven't I taken out a loan to live off of? I'm not a quitter. I don't want to burn bridges. I'll keep a job for as long as I need it. I worked at my last job for three years and leaving was a very difficult decision for me to make in the year of 2010. In the long run, I know that it was the right decision. Looks like I'm just up late, rambling on my blog. What else is new? Guess it's time to close my laptop down, pour myself a glass of V8 splash and fall asleep to Friends. Until we meet again...

Rocky start to a long semester

At 3:21 AM on a Monday night, technially Tuesday morning, I finally completed my assignments due for my two online classes. Perhaps working 40 plus hours a week coupled with taking 6 classes would be the proper result of a person lingering on their computer late at night. Well, maybe a just a tad of facebook surfing could be another possible cause. Nevertheless, words can't even begin to describe the frustration and anxiety I feel coming into the third week of Spring semester at Cleveland State University. After five years of college, I'll finally be graduating this coming May with my bachelors in Journalism and Promotional Communication. Each day of my life is filled with a slew responsibilites, both personally and professionally. Being in Lab Newspaper 426 last semester left me flustered, confused and completely stressed out. However, all of those emotions were well worth the amount of knowledge I attained in 426. This semester in 427, I'm still very nervous, but it's working different nerves this time around. In 427, there are more responsibilities as far as designing a page, putting stories online...the list continues. Just the thought makes my head spin almost to the point where it could actually pop right off of my neck. I strive to be more efficient and work much harder than I did last semester. I've made plenty of mistakes and will continue to do so but I'm learning not to let every minor issue get the best of me. Looking like a moron and asking questions you fear will raise eyebrows probably will be inevitable, but this is all a part of life. I covered my first story of the semester on Black History Month. Do I consider this article to be a good one? Eh, it was alright. I feel like I yet to hit my peak. Time will tell.